Episode #121: Rebuilding After Loss

Rebuilding After Loss with Dr. Kimberly Harms

What does it take to rebuild your life after unimaginable tragedy? Dr. Kimberly Harms knows this journey intimately. Born as a thalidomide baby with seven fingers, she defied an advisor who told her dental school was impossible, going on to become the first female president of the Minnesota Dental Association. But her greatest challenges came later – losing her mother to suicide, then facing her son Eric’s suicide at just 19 years old.

The moment that transformed her grief journey came unexpectedly in a parking lot, when someone confronted her about how her suffering was affecting her remaining children. This wake-up call sparked her determination to “kick and scream and fight” her way out of the grief pit – not just for herself, but for everyone who loved her.

Dr. Harms shares practical wisdom from managing her dental practice through tragedy, including creating “crying rooms” and systems to help team members support each other through crisis. But perhaps most profound were the lessons she learned while establishing 65 libraries across Rwanda in her son’s memory. There, genocide survivors who had lost everything taught her about true forgiveness – not forgetting, but choosing to build something new from devastation.

This conversation offers rare insight into how someone moves forward when life divides into “before” and “after.” Dr. Harms doesn’t sugarcoat the difficulty of this journey, emphasizing that finding joy again requires active fighting against negative self-talk and shame. Yet her message radiates hope: no matter what tragedy has occurred, love and joy remain possible if we’re willing to fight for them.

Key Takeaways from Rebuilding After Loss with Dr. Kimberly Harms

Early Challenges & Family Trauma: 

Kimberly reflects on how her birth condition affected her family, especially her mother, who struggled with guilt and mental health, eventually leading to her death by suicide. Kimberly emphasizes how the real tragedy wasn’t her own disability but the devastating effect on her mother’s life.

Overcoming Barriers and Gender Norms:

Kimberly shares how she was told she couldn’t get into dental school due to her condition, but a conversation with an advisor inspired her to fight for her place, leading to her successful dental career and marriage.

Facing Sudden Loss & Personal Tragedy:

Kimberly talks about the profound impact of the sudden deaths in her family, including the loss of her brother, her husband’s liver transplant, and the heartbreaking suicide of her son Eric. She describes how these experiences shattered her, yet also became catalysts for transformation.

The Grief Journey and Realization:

Kimberly describes a pivotal moment when a family member told her not to let her remaining children feel they aren’t enough, leading her to confront her grief head-on. She emphasizes that overcoming grief is a battle, not a passive experience, and that her healing became important for her family’s well-being.

Dealing with Professional Life Amid Personal Tragedies:

Kimberly shares the difficulty of balancing her professional responsibilities with personal grief, noting how the small town setting made her situation even harder as everyone knew her family’s tragedy. She also discusses the supportive systems she developed with her team to help manage grief while working.

Finding Purpose in Helping Others Through Grief:

Kimberly speaks about how sharing her experience and offering support to others dealing with grief helped her heal. She discusses her work as a speaker, where she offers guidance on navigating crisis in both professional and personal contexts.

Rwandan Genocide Survivors and Forgiveness:

Kimberly reflects on her work in Rwanda, where survivors of genocide showed her the power of forgiveness in overcoming deep trauma. The survivors’ focus on healing and creating new families after such profound loss served as a model for her own journey of grief and reconciliation.

Resilience & Moving Forward After Trauma:

Kimberly offers advice on battling through grief, suggesting that people should focus on moving forward and not wallowing in despair. She emphasizes that although the past can’t be changed, we can fight for a better future by embracing love, purpose, and joy.

Living in the “After” and Finding Meaning:

Kimberly encourages others to focus on the “after” of a traumatic event, where meaning and purpose can still be found. She shares how she has rebuilt her life by focusing on family and love, finding joy despite the hardships she’s faced.

Connect with Dr. Kimberly Harms

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